Milk and Kisses.

I find myself in a new place.

The Eldest turning thirteen is significant in itself and I find my head is full of new wonderings and imaginings. The wheel turns and my babies grow. I am excited about the future and what lies ahead for all of us.

And not only do we now have a teenager in the house, but we no longer have a baby in the house. Of course they will always be my babies, but in the truest sense those days are gone.

This littlest scallywag of them all is now weaned, 100%. Over a week now, and we have established our new little bedtime routine. In some ways it kind of breaks my heart. And in so many ways I am so ready for my next chapter. 

Nappies (diapers) are also on the way out, slowly but surely. And that is one washing load less that I will not miss! 

In small ways the babe that was is quietly being replaced by a fiercely independent little boy who knows his own mind and how things should be done.

Do mothers ever really get over the loss of their baby babies? I am reminded of a line in the song 'In Metal' by Low: 'Partly hate to see you grow, And just like your baby shoes, Wish I could keep your little body, (In metal).' 

I know I have written about this many times. It seems to be a theme here! I have this epic internal battle going in my heart, tugging me this way and then that way, and all the time plucking painfully at my heart-strings and making me wonder does it ever actually get easier? 

I vacillate between joy and excitement at every new phase, and then the crushing despair when I realise something is gone for good.

Below is a letter I wrote to a friend a few years ago when I recieved a cd in the post from him unexpectedly.

Dearest Fergus,

Thank you! Thank you SO much.

I've just listened to the recordings of (the two oldest) and it made me

laugh, and it made me cry! It was like putting my ear to a tiny hole

in my past and hearing these little voices that I will never hear

again. Those babies don't exist any more! Oh how that made me cry!

It's different to looking at photo's. I felt like they were on the

other side of the wall in a room that has no door. It's the strangest

feeling. And nothing has ever made me truly realise how grown up they

are now. I wish you had seen them when you were here, as I think you

would appreciate just how amazing it was for me to hear that.

And how perfect was your choice of music at the end. All in all it

just killed me! I don't think I've ever recieved a present like it.

And all the more because it came out of the blue. I will treasure it.

Thank you.

Love from Ciara x

But the joy almost always wins out. The desperate grasping moments of loss are fleeting. 

But they have a sting to their tail!