Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Firstborn.

As I sit here, for a moment, I cannot recall what time of year it is. What is outside the window, behind the curtains. I cannot remember what the weather is like, what phase of moon we are in. What day is it? What time? When?

This baby breathing in my ear, sleeping so gently here beside me, who is it? Is that you? Is that tiny you?




I want to hold on to some things that I cannot. I don't want to let go.
I wonder how the years flew by so fast, (is it almost thirteen? Really?) And how can such a tiny thing that was planted so deeply in my heart now be too big for me to contain? 
Is this how it goes? 

He is there still, our first-born, no longer the tiny baby,
but now almost a teenager.
But somehow, 
there is a drifting away, as though someone lengthened the rope between our bobbing boats, just a little, imperceptively... 

But I feel it. And I am at a loss.

18 comments:

Cathy said...

I know what you are feeling. I can remember some of the disbelief but so much is just numb now. I remember thinking God doesn't love me but he did. It's been 25 years now and I can't forget. I always thought I'd have another boy and I had two girls. I enjoy my stepson but it's not the same.

mimi charmante said...

Okay, are you trying to bring me to tears? Try having your first love be 15, taller than you, and more like a man than a child. Now, that is pain tugging at your heart...
xo

Gigi said...

I don't even have children, but your post made me misty-eyed.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

Reminds me of Joni Mitchell's The Circle Game. Beautiful.

Therese said...

It is a sad feeling, but yet lovely to see them grow up and turn out to be so perfect....♥

Annah said...

8.33 am, and I'm in tears.......

I relate to this so much, watching my boys grow and drift too. Even down to Saul, at 3 who choses his own clothes and dresses himself, often with clothes backwards, makes his own breakfast and insists on cleaning his own bum. In ways I am so redundant!
Time for us to celebrate I guess...

acornmoon said...

You have expressed very beautifully what all mother's feel. There is pleasure also in seeing them sailing unaided, confident and able.

Andrew said...

Remember that the rope is of infinite length, and even as he drifts out beyond the horizon, he'll always be connected to you. And eventually, maybe slowly, he'll haul himself home again some day.

Amber said...

Oh that broke my heart...
I am sure your love and warmth in the years to come will allow RU to crave and seek you again....xxxxx

Karen said...

I feel the same about my boy who has just turned 14. Where did all that time go so fast?
I sometimes still find myself about to grab his hand to cross a road, and then remember he is a teenager!

marta said...

oh Ciara! - true - i remember very clearly the moment I took a pic of you with your mum and Ru as a baby in your flat in Dun Laoghaire, I was 16 then

I hope he lets me pick him up someday after a school day in New Park - to me it is amazing to share my life so closely with your kids and see them growing, it makes my life richer! so I celebrate, I will leave the nostagia for when I am a mother
in the meantime I can not wait to have your children back in my life and see them growing and changing! ... and have tea with the mother to talk all about it

Paddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paddy said...

Paddy said...
Ru has matured into a thoughtful young almost teenager. I would have no worries about him. He is putting down his own roots.

Sara said...

A heart breaking truth. Hugs to you.

Circe said...

Ah, my girl... I am with you...

Mine just turned 14.

No amount of mental preparation can ready you for those times-- for me it feels like watching the boat pulling away from the dock, whether with the tide, or by motor... "But WAIT!!" I want to shout, whether angry or morose or distracted, "My heart is attached to that boat!" Even if the line is loose or if it is taught, he's still with you... but it is so hard!

For me it has bringing up all manner of unexpected feelings which take me by surpise. I'm glad the "Sun came out" for you all.

xo Circe

(back next Wednesday; wonderful week and hugs to you!)

Julia said...

They seek and find their own way so quickly dont they? So quickly that it takes your breath away, in a flash they are growing up, becoming their own person.

It reminds me of this saying, the greatest gifts to give a child are the roots to grow and the wings to fly...

..but sometimes easier said than done I think.

What a beautifully written post, sending you love

Julia xxx

Deirdre said...

The bond between you is very strong Ciara, he will always come back to you. He is just testing his wings.
As you know, I have been there!

ps. word verification ' soment'

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